You want me to make a list of my what?

 Have you ever been asked to make a list of your boundaries? If you haven’t, this blog is for you and if you have, maybe you can give me some pointers in the comments below! I have been dragging my feet about making my list partly because I’ve never been asked “what are your boundaries?” and I could not remember anytime where I talked to someone about overstepping my boundaries. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, the definition of boundary is “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.” I remember doing my 30-day devotional (which I mentioned in a previous blog post) and the entry was about boundaries and the activity was to make a list of my boundaries. I must be completely transparent here and confess that I haven’t completed that list yet. I had been asking God, why do I have a hard time completing this activity? I wanted Him to reveal to me why I felt stuck…for real y’all, all my activities are completed except for that one! If I’m not mistaken, there was another journal entry prompting to revisit my boundary list and revise as needed. Oh boy.

 Looking back over my past, I think I could describe myself as being a “people pleaser” while I believe my biggest character trait is kindness, however, my behavior sometimes can easily become unhealthy. I remember going out of my way to help others/doing favors, giving to others, constantly putting the needs of others before my own including helping them out even when they didn’t ask for help. The most important thing I struggled with (still struggle with if I’m being honest) was not knowing how to say “no” and if I did say no, I felt like I’ve let others down and felt guilty afterwards. It was something I would constantly rehearse in my head repeatedly and sometimes I didn’t even know I was doing it! I felt the need to agree with people and not really voice my opinions due to fear of not being liked and/or not wanting to create conflict. The times that I would voice my opinions, they would be met with criticism (sometimes constructive and sometimes not, and I would react negatively) or conflict and I would feel guilty for making people react the way that they did. If others got angry with me, I felt like I was totally at fault and I would always apologize “to keep the peace”. If I acknowledged that others hurt my feelings, well-somehow the conversation turned to how I made it happen. Am I talking to anyone today??

 Not to use it as an excuse, but I was picked on a lot-emotionally & verbally, and had multiple interactions with others that led me to having a distrust in others yet wanting to please others…how paradoxical right? I remember a time where I felt like I needed recognition/praise from others at the expense of myself. My self-esteem/self-confidence, self-respect & worth, & body image were suffering and if I’m being honest, that is one area that I still struggle with. I hope I’m talking to someone today!!! I had one best friend in high school and that’s when I started to believe that others could like me for who I am without pleasing them. Over the years, I’ve learned to stay away from toxic interactions with others and God is continually renewing a sense of trust in others.  

 There’s nothing wrong with showing kindness to others but are you being too kind to where you have become “a doormat”? Are your actions, such as described above, have led you to a pattern of unhealthy behavior and lack of self-respect? Or when you needed help, and no one would be there to help because the “friendship/relationship” with others was only at the surface level and based on what you could do for them? I’m preaching to the choir here folks! Looking back, I was a doormat, and I was engaging in unhealthy behavior that totally affected my self-respect & self-worth. It is unhealthy when you are compromising your emotional needs to please others. It is unhealthy when you take on the burdens of others above your needs & not take care of yourself (this is not being selfish and “you can’t pour from an empty cup” (not sure who coined that phrase), allow others to treat you or talk to you any kind of way, feeling guilty for saying “no”, and disrespecting yourself to please other people.  While I haven’t written my boundaries list yet, I’ve realized that it’s time to take back my self-worth, self-respect and work on my confidence level. I asked God to help me in this journey because I know it will bring up some painful reminders/past hurts, but I know that’s where healing has to begin. Please understand, I’m not saying that I was always perfect and everyone else were the villains. I do realize that for “every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”, however, believe that there are times when it’s not you. It’s time to take back your self-respect! Once you start respecting yourself and seeing the value in you, you will begin to set boundaries with people that would violate that worth in you! God calls you His child, He calls you worthy of His love, you are His most precious creation! Would you take this journey with me so that healing can begin in our lives? Years ago, I think I tried to read the book (pictured below) but I don’t think I was ready…but now I am.

 

Warm Wishes, Carline




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